I don't know.

I don't know what to do. I feel like he is cheating on me... but not the "normal" kind of cheating. I think he likes someone else.. maybe even hangs out with them. His behavior is just so different. He's been saying that he's been feeling guilty recently. He says he doesn't know why. I was in his car the other day and the visor/mirror was down on the passenger side. He's been accusing me of cheating and being distant... but.... I honestly think it's him. Regardless of what he is doing, I just with he would be honest with me. I mean, I know I'm not the prettiest thing he's ever seen.. I know there are going to be attractive girls walking through his life. I don't expect him to be blind towards them. I don't know... I know it's terrible, but I googled "signs of your boyfriend cheating"... and 5 out of the 7 things it had mentioned, he has done, or said he felt those ways. I don't know what to do. It just makes me feel..... yucky, I guess is a good word. I love him so much... I think trust might be our issue in our relationship. He doesn't trust me. Maybe if he did, he wouldn't be saying the things he is. I miss who we use to be... Fun and outgoing. Upbeat and loving. These days I feel like I have to beg him just to kiss me. Man, how I miss those times, when I lived downstairs, and we would lay on the couch together. Even though there wasn't enough room, and most of the time I couldn't breath, I felt like that all didn't matter, because I was laying next to someone who genuinely adored me. I'm just his girlfriend these days. Nothing very special. He said I treat him like his parents treat him. I just want the old Dave back. I miss him so much. Don't get me wrong, I want him to pursue his dreams, and live his life the way he wants it. I honestly do! But... recently, I feel like he wants to keep me in his back pocket. I don't like being there. I'm either with him, or I'm not... But I guess that's up to him. I love him.

Girls' Night

I realized half way through the girls' night... that I did not want anyone in my place. I got a little angry that I invited everyone and that they were going to be in my place sleeping.... I hope that was just the devil trying to ruin such a great time. I ended up having a very good time.. I wouldn't take it back for anything. Patti and I got a along great, and Mel is a sweetheart. And I almost always get along well with Courtney. It was just a good time. The only thing I regret is not having a Bible study, like we normally do... but, we did something good anyway. We made origami heart and painted them for My Choice Pregnancy Center. We put Bible verses on all of them. If it wasn't for every one participating.. Courtney write the verses in beautiful handwriting, Mel and I painting them, and Patti looking up verse to pick the best ones to place on the hearts, Idon't think any of it would have gotten done. Thank you God for a beautiful time with my girls. Thank youfor sending them my way. I am truly blessed.

It Begins

I'm starting a blog. I think the coolest thing about this is that no one knows about it. It's like an online journal... A journal no one can get into or sneak a peek when no one's looking. This is a place where I can be vulnerable, and honest, and a little dreamy ;) I like that if someone wanted to, they could find this, but only if they are trying really hard. It makes me feel risky. So if you are someone I know reading this, don't tell me you know about my blog! Otherwise you'll miss all the good information I put on here. This is going to be my outlet when I feel like writing in my physical journal isn't enough or just isn't safe. Lol..... Pathetic...