dreaming

I'm trying to dream a little. Trying to figure out where I'm suppose to be and what I'm suppose to do in life. I like it. I think.

my birthday is next week

Damn Bills

I HATE BILLS!!!! I HATE DIABETES!!

Hurray for Miracles!

I was praying for no work today! And God answered my prayers! Thank you so much!!!!!

AHH!

I can't wait to find a new job with less stress, more pay, and a place I can use my creativity in ways I don't even know exist! But mostly I'm excited to ab;e to pay my bills and not worry about how much gas I can put in my tank. Seriously, it can be pretty scary! But God will provide! He always has, I have faith, man! Faith! :)

Wow!

Oh man. What a thankful day I'm having :)

I got home from work and smelled delicious food cooking next door... I had dinner with my mom and Patti, it was AMAZING! I think with every bite I thanked God for taste buds and great food. I was cleaning up my place and found my ipod! I was so happy that I decided to pay a little bit more from my savings to my bills! lol, I know it's weird, but I was just very excited! I started packing my things for the big move. As I was packing, I got really sad... From this point on I'll never be living with my parents (unless something goes wrong..) Idk, i just got really sad when I was going thru my things. It's exciting, but emotionally tough. I just pray that moving n with Leti is a "good" thing. I don't see why it wouldn't be... but, you just don't know someone know someone til you live with them, is what they say :)

Valentine's day was great. Dave and I hung out with James and Leti.. I love that Dave likes them. Thank you, God, for him. I don't know who I would be with out him constantly encouraging and correcting me. lol, I know it sounds weird.. but he has a big influence on me, and I love it.

Away I go!

Off to Florida!!!!

:)

I'm okay :o)

Honesty is probably the best thing. I talked with him, he was so understanding and cute. lol, I know it sounds funny.... but, seriously. We talked and things are good.
We leave for Florida in 2 days!! 48 hours from now, I'll be in the warmer climate! I CAN'T WAIT! I don't remember being on a plane. I've never been to Florida. I hope I don't act stupid or anything because I will be so excited!! I don't know what is to do there. I know we are going to Disney for a day (that's sooo expensive) and his dad is going shark fishing, which sounds amazing. I really hope he doesn't mind me going. I would love to see a shark, IN PERSON. I'd be overcoming my "safe-fear" and it would just be a dream come true. I would rather go shark fishing than go to disney, that's how bad I want to go! But, it's ok if I can't go. I'll probably be too tired anyway. lol. Maybe I'll pretend I'm going to bed and then at the last minute, change my mind! ;) anyway, it's not a big deal. I'm excited to feel the sun again. When the sun is so direct you can feel it hugging you inside your skin, that's my favorite. I hope I can get to know his parents better too. For some reason I'm very intimidated by them, but so intrigued as well. I guess that's where he gets his intimidated-ness from.
Thank you, God, for making a job joyful again. I am still looking to leave, but I don't feel like it's an emergency anymore. Thank you for reminding me to humble myself before you every morning when I see the sun rise. That one road where the sun greets me is where I feel like I'm looking at you face-to-face. Thank you, I love it :)
Thank you for my blessings. Thank you that even though I'm struggling through some things, that you are there to cradle me and tell me that you're not leaving me. Even though some relationships fade and jobs don't work out or bills come in, and I bad news from the doctors.. you were and are always there holding my hand. What a humbling year it's been so far. Thank you for teaching me how to become the one you want me to be. It's tough, but I trust your outcome :)

I don't know.

I don't know what to do. I feel like he is cheating on me... but not the "normal" kind of cheating. I think he likes someone else.. maybe even hangs out with them. His behavior is just so different. He's been saying that he's been feeling guilty recently. He says he doesn't know why. I was in his car the other day and the visor/mirror was down on the passenger side. He's been accusing me of cheating and being distant... but.... I honestly think it's him. Regardless of what he is doing, I just with he would be honest with me. I mean, I know I'm not the prettiest thing he's ever seen.. I know there are going to be attractive girls walking through his life. I don't expect him to be blind towards them. I don't know... I know it's terrible, but I googled "signs of your boyfriend cheating"... and 5 out of the 7 things it had mentioned, he has done, or said he felt those ways. I don't know what to do. It just makes me feel..... yucky, I guess is a good word. I love him so much... I think trust might be our issue in our relationship. He doesn't trust me. Maybe if he did, he wouldn't be saying the things he is. I miss who we use to be... Fun and outgoing. Upbeat and loving. These days I feel like I have to beg him just to kiss me. Man, how I miss those times, when I lived downstairs, and we would lay on the couch together. Even though there wasn't enough room, and most of the time I couldn't breath, I felt like that all didn't matter, because I was laying next to someone who genuinely adored me. I'm just his girlfriend these days. Nothing very special. He said I treat him like his parents treat him. I just want the old Dave back. I miss him so much. Don't get me wrong, I want him to pursue his dreams, and live his life the way he wants it. I honestly do! But... recently, I feel like he wants to keep me in his back pocket. I don't like being there. I'm either with him, or I'm not... But I guess that's up to him. I love him.

Girls' Night

I realized half way through the girls' night... that I did not want anyone in my place. I got a little angry that I invited everyone and that they were going to be in my place sleeping.... I hope that was just the devil trying to ruin such a great time. I ended up having a very good time.. I wouldn't take it back for anything. Patti and I got a along great, and Mel is a sweetheart. And I almost always get along well with Courtney. It was just a good time. The only thing I regret is not having a Bible study, like we normally do... but, we did something good anyway. We made origami heart and painted them for My Choice Pregnancy Center. We put Bible verses on all of them. If it wasn't for every one participating.. Courtney write the verses in beautiful handwriting, Mel and I painting them, and Patti looking up verse to pick the best ones to place on the hearts, Idon't think any of it would have gotten done. Thank you God for a beautiful time with my girls. Thank youfor sending them my way. I am truly blessed.

It Begins

I'm starting a blog. I think the coolest thing about this is that no one knows about it. It's like an online journal... A journal no one can get into or sneak a peek when no one's looking. This is a place where I can be vulnerable, and honest, and a little dreamy ;) I like that if someone wanted to, they could find this, but only if they are trying really hard. It makes me feel risky. So if you are someone I know reading this, don't tell me you know about my blog! Otherwise you'll miss all the good information I put on here. This is going to be my outlet when I feel like writing in my physical journal isn't enough or just isn't safe. Lol..... Pathetic...